Allen's Secret Love
by MisChibiOus
Summary: The exorcists gather one day to discuss who could possibly be Allen’s object of desire? This is a crack fic. Don’t take it seriously. XD I was REALLY bored. allen x kanda x lavi x lenalee x etc! It's like a wierd version of a...harem? REVIEWS PLEASE!
1. Allen's Secret Love

**AN:** The exorcists gather one day to discuss who could possibly Allen's object of desire?

This is a crack fic. Don't take it seriously. XD I was REALLY bored. Today, my sis and I had a odd little talk about Allen's oblivion and unhealthy relationships with the Noah's. Ahaha...you'll see what i mean later.

Haha… And today I felt different and felt the need to break from my habit of writing meaningful angsty fanfics and write an utterly pointless stupid fanfiction. I hope this served as some sort of amusement.

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**Allen's Secret Love? **

Today, the lunch room was quiet. There were only a few exorcists that were residing at the Headquarters as of now. The rest were on missions or… simply avoiding the HQ.

Since lunch was eerily quiet, Lavi decided to strike up a conversation. He prodded the silently fuming swordsman that sat exactly 3 ft away from him on the shoulder with his extendable hammer and grinned. Kanda refused to budge and continued to ignore the restless scampering rat that was knawing on his side.

Annoyed that he couldn't get a reaction out of the swordsman, he exclaimed out loud, "YUU CHAN!" Immediately, Kanda swerved around and glared daggers at the already sheepish bookman, "What?"

Out of fear, Lavi started to babble and laughed nervously, "ahahaha…Kanda! So! Who do you think is Allen's secret lover?"

…..

Of all topics, really, how did he come up with that one? Ah well. It _is_ Lavi. Silly boy.

Kanda once again glared at him like as if Lavi should already know the _"obvious answer"_ but before anyone could say anything, Komui rampaged into the cafeteria.

"IT'S LENALEE-CHAN IS IT NOT?!" the devoted brother wailed in desperation, "My adorable little innocent sister… how could he? That insolent boy… he could take advantage of her!"

Lavi added, "And not to mention the fact that as of now, the two of them are on a mission together… alone."

"NOOOOOO!" he yowled, "If he touches her, I shall…." From there, Komui muttered incoherently to himself…a ghostly darkness encompassed him in the corner that he stood upon.

Lavi grimaced at the conflict that he knowingly caused. If this keeps up, Komui would most likely develop an odd strain of PMS and might cause…other problems. Ah well, there was nothing he can do to fix it… o! There is one thing he could do…

"Komui san, I actually believe Allen likes somebody else."

Komui turned around and shone with a brilliant gleam. Joyfully he pranced and asked, "And who could it be other than my darling sister?"

"Err…." Just great. Lavi didn't take the time to think of an answer beforehand….Lavi blurted out a random name, "Rhode Camelot?"

o…crap.

Kanda twitched his eyebrow.

Komui exploded.

"WHAT?! He is in love with a Noah?! The enemy? AHHH! The AGONY!" Komui cried. "The poor boy, he must've felt like he was in a dire situation….such as of Romeo and Juliet!" Komui continues babbling random Shakespearean lines.

O how far Komui's imagination can go….

Reever ran in at the sound of Komui's sudden outburst. "Komui-san! I finally found you! There are dozens of files that need to be signed!" Komui stopped his ranting when he turned and saw Reever and the others running towards him. To avoid the situation he ran up to Reever and asked, "well, reever! Who do you think Allen likes the most here?"

Confused at the question and barely listening half the time, Reever gave a blank expression and answered, "Jerry?"

Jerry popped his head out of the kitchen at the mention of his name, "Did someone call me?"

Komui ran up to the cheerful chef, "Jerry! It appears our dear boy has a secret love and it happens to be…"

O no. Lavi panicked. If Jerry believes that Allen LIKES him, he'd go ballistic. No. Correct that. Ecstatic. Can you see how much that man loves little boys? Not that he's implying that Jerry is a pedoph—

"…it's Lavi!" someone suggested.

Lavi turned around to see every one of the exorcists, finders and the assistants eyeing him. It took a little longer to finally register into his brain…that everyone now believes that HE was the secret lover. "WHAT?!" he yelped. Lavi freaked. "NO, no way! There is no way I'm the secret lover! I love WOMEN. I go for any lady that's between the ages of 10 to 40!" he laughed nervously.

…. "You are an enemy to all women!" Komui gasped. I'll never let Lenalee around you any more!"

Embarassed, Lavi attempts to change the already alternating subject to back to what it originally was by targeting another possible scenario. He proposed, "Well, I'm sure Allen wouldn't go for anyone as masculine such as my self. Maybe he'd go for someone more feminine… like Kanda?" Ah yes, pay back time. Maybe this will shut them up. Let's see how Kanda can do to get of that one. Lavi can almost imagine the frustrated expression on the Kanda's face.

Instead, Kanda swiftly answered without lifting an eyebrow. "It isn't me. It's pretty obvious that it is the Earl."

….eerie silence.

"What?!" Lavi stared at the Kanda for his preposterous proposal. Kanda….is he really that…stupid?

Kanda continued on with his explanation, "Well, it is obvious. He is completely oblivious to the people and the world. The only thing he pays attention to is his quest to find the Earl and etc. Every day if you mention the Millennium Earl he will go after it with a vengeance. This can be considered not just an abnormal obsession but also as a passion. It's love."

How… odd…Lavi twitched. His way of thinking… it's the ABNORMAL one.

Allen walks into the lunch room and breaks the silence, "I'm back!"

Everyone stares at him and all asked in unison, "The EARL?"

Allen had a surprised reaction, "Eh?! WHERE??"

Kanda smirked.

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**AN:** ah. Poor lavi. Always causing a ruckus Sorry for the OOC-ness.. haha, I told you it's a crack fic. Anyways, please review….even if it SUCKED. I wrote all of this while multitasking on homework.

Also… on Kanda's intelligence:

"In terms of intelligence, here is the ranking according to Hoshino (from least intelligent to most): Kanda, Allen, Lavi, Lenalee. Information from Vol. 3 Talk Room." Ain't that funny? He's the stupidest one! Haha, I still love you kanda!

www . exorcists – order . info


	2. Beansprout

**AN: **I had actually planned to write "Secret Motives" first (which features Lavi)….. but I had a strong urge to write this chapter first! (which features Kanda). I was so inspired to write this because of this drawing I found on DA. It is HILARIOUS!

But it is ok! It doesn't matter what chapter you is read first, it'll all make sense… or maybe just not make any sense at all since it IS a crack fic. XD ahahahhaha enjoy!

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**Bean Sprout**

As always, Allen Walker…the boy who was oblivious to the world did not know what to expect what was awaiting him….

"_THE EARL?"_

He can remember all of the surprised faces of his fellow exorcists. Of course, at this he couldn't react in any other way but to be surprised and also… demand where the Earl could be.

It's all a misunderstanding right?

But instead everyone TRULY believes that Allen Walker's secret crush happens to be…unfortunately, the Earl. The Millennium Earl, his most HATED enemy? How the hell did THAT happen? He heard it was Kanda's doing that had brought it up… but… what did he ever do to deserve this? Well, yes he knew that Kanda in particular does not like cursed beings… and the fact that Kanda does not like Allen as much as the other exorcists…if you actually put it in terms of "like" in a nice way since technically Kanda does not "like". To simply be blunt, Kanda HATES Allen more than he does the others.

Yes, Allen can still remember the day he first met him quite clearly. Perhaps a little too well since it was quite traumatizing. Though it was not AS much traumatizing as his time with General Cross…

Allen shivered at the flashback.

Damn it all, why does it seem that everything Kanda says has to be deemed true! Is it because of his "sincere", serious, 24/7 "pms-ing" expression?! Seriously, Kanda can be a girl if he wanted to. Just stick him in a dress!

….

Allen shook his head. No, he did NOT want to think that. If he did...

_Kanda would look beautiful_

O crap. Never mind, he already did.

Allen shook his head in denial and stomped off to the kitchen. He needs to clear his mind…

At arriving at the cafeteria, Jerry, as always, was flamboyantly cooking his favorite dishes. There, he saw Lavi and Lenalee sitting at the table eating and across from them at the end of the table was... Kanda. Allen gulped in nervousness as he walked over to the table and sat next to Lenalee. He began listening into the conversation in which Lenalee was telling Kanda that he seemed to have grown taller since the last time she saw him. At this, Allen was jealous.

He still haven't had his growth spurt and he is barely…BARELY, a mere 2 centimeters taller than Lenalee. If Lenalee wore her high heels… well, Allen would definitely be considered a midget.

Determined to grow taller he ordered a glass of milk. At this Jerry sighed sadly, "Ahh Allen-kun! I am sorry to say… but Kanda took the last glass of milk for today. You are going to have to come by earlier next time"

At this, Kanda smirked at Allen's dilemma who was moping in a corner.

Lenalee exclaimed, "Ha! So That's why Kanda has been growing so tall nowadays! I thought you were lactose intolerant! Did you already get over your distaste for milk?"

At this, Lavi noticed Allen and poked him, "Yo, Allen! I bet Kanda is sucking out your growth spurt!" he joked.

Already sucked into a depression, Allen cried in despair with tears brimming in his eyes, "Kanda! Is it true? Did you steal my height?"

Kanda just stared at him with disgust, "what?"

Lavi and Lenalee chuckled to themselves… This was getting amusing.

"You stole it didn't you? Isn't that why you always call me a beanspout? Give my growth back please, Kanda!" Allen wailed.

Kanda eyed him in confusion. Ah well…despite all of this, it was somewhat amusing to an extent. He snickered to himself. Even though Kanda hates almost everything… this is one of the few things he has grown to like. Torturing Allen Walker. Seeing Allen's agonized expression was simply… ah, Kanda couldn't complete his train of thought as of now. For now, let's use the term, "_delightful_". Such a sadist isn't he? He continued to stare at Allen with further amusement.

"Allen is losing his common sense isn't he?" Lavi noted to Lenalee. Lenalee nodded in agreement. To see if Allen still had some sense he yelled, "Oi, midget! You ok?"

At the word "midget" Allen flinched and his cries only worsened in overreaction, "Lavi!! You are the worst! YOU POLYGAMIST PLAYBOY!" Allen then ran up to Lavi, kicked him in the shin and ran off.

Lavi howled in pain, "ARGH!! ALLEN!!! He's definitely lost all common sense! He's acting like a child for gods sakes!!" Lavi turned around and saw Lenalee's appalled expression believing that Lavi indeed is a "polygamist playboy". "Lenalee! It isn't true! Allen was just kidding and…AHH!" he again yelped in agony as another throbbing pulse of pain stung his shin.

Ah, at least Allen had his revenge? Within 10 minutes, Allen has baffled Kanda who had earlier ruined Allen's reputation, injured and insulted Lavi for indirectly insulting him and…ran out avoiding dire consequences.

Lenalee smacked Junior on the head, "LAVI! Go to Allen and APOLIGIZE!"

To avoid having any more injuries inflicted upon him, Lavi limped out and laughed while he thought of a way to have revenge on poor befuddled Allen.

_So… Allen lost all common sense?_

Ah, Lavi shall take advantage of that.

Lavi grinned.

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**AN:**

I kinda rushed this chapter because I put this on a deadline…. Which was Sept. 3. well, that's today!! Hahaha the next chapter will be quite amusing everyone Please review and inspire me! XD

Here's the link to the picture I found!

(take out the spaces in the link)

http:// kiraito. deviantart. com/ art/ D-Gray-Man-PS-Short-59636309

I hope you liked this chapter. Yes, there were bits and pieces of implied kanda x allen… It's all good and fun the next chapter will feature Lavi more!


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